Two Hot Chicks and A Vampire
by chivalrysdead
Summary: Cracked out AngelBuffyCordy fic. "I picked them up in a bar. They were stripping."


Title: Two Hot Chicks And A Vampire  
Author: Emily  
Rating: PG 13  
Summary: "Wow. I've never really had a relationship that's nice before."  
AN: A/B/C ficathon entry for lj user="patrizia" . She wanted romance, a graveyard and for it to be set in AtS season three (post Carpe Noctem). I'm so sorry, I think this has humour, a graveyard, vague references to it being set then and me being on crack. But yeah, I hope you don't hate it.

"Oh what, you're gonna kick my ass with this hot chick?" The demon practically scoffs.

"Hi! Said hot chick speaking here. I would be the Slayer. You would be the Slayee."

"Slay him then! Hello, vampire!" The demon points at Angel and protests.

"But Angel and I go way back," she says with a grin, slipping an arm around his waist.

"You're dating?"

"Kinda. It's complicated."

"Doesn't seem too complicated to me. Vampire and hot chick, I mean Slayer. Sorry, sorry. Who want to totally kill me." The demon complains.

"Um make that two hot chicks!" Cordelia announces, stepping forward, still eating her fat free raspberry frozen yoghurt from their quick stop at the ice cream parlour on the way to the graveyard.

The demon just stares.

"You don't think I'm hot?" She demands.

"You don't think she's hot? Why don't you think she's hot? I think she's hot. Angel thinks she's hot. What's your problem?" Buffy says, backing her up.

"She's a hottie alright. Very much so. But I'm confused. Are you another Slayer? And do you want to kill me too?"

"Do I want to kill you? Sure, why not! And no, I'm not a Slayer. I'm Cordelia."

"That pretty much sums you up", Angel says dryly.

"Are you insulting me again?"

"No, you're indefinable."

Cordelia ponders this. "Yay!"

"So you do speak", the demon says to Angel.

"I figured you were pretty much speechless. Dude, they'd make me speechless too. Whoa."

"Angel can speak! He's just…dumb." Cordelia says.

"Yes. He's the dumb one." Buffy agrees.

"And you two are the hot ones."

"Thank you but I like to think we're more than eye candy. We can kill demons. Like you." Buffy tells him sincerely.

"Whoa, back up there sister. How about you guys tell me how all this came about?" He gestured at the three of them. "I mean, vampire, Slayer, Cordelia. It's gotta be some story, right? Dude, you have two hot chicks. That's like every guy's fantasy. How did you do it?"

"Hello! Right here and not appreciating being referred to as a possession." Cordy chips in.

"Ditto and are you from the Valley?!" Buffy demands.

The demon nods.

"Oh my God, I like totally used to live there! Totally!" Buffy gushes.

"Dude." She adds on for effect.

"I bet you wanna be a movie star too!" Cordy says gleefully.

"You guys are like mean" The demon says with a pout.

"And they don't let me speak" Angel says.

"I can see who wears the pants in this relationship, man."

"That would mean Angel gets to wear a skirt" Buffy says serenely.

Cordelia nods enthusiastically.

Angel scowls. "Not again."

"It was a kilt" He says in response to the demon's raised eyebrows.

"And since you were asking, I picked them up in a bar. They were stripping."

The girls glare.

"That is not what happened."

"We were drinking tequila shots and maybe Cordy did some bar dancing and took her top off."

"Oh you know you would have too after a few more shots. Anyway. I was wearing a bikini 'cause Buffy and I had been hanging at the beach. It wasn't that bad."

"Have you seen what Cordy calls bikinis? They're tiny!"

"They're classy in their own way."

"Classy isn't the word I'd choose. But anyway, we were bitchin' about Angel because that's always fun. He's my ex you know."

"He's my whatever comes before ex and before boyfriend. We most likely would have gotten together and then broken up and become of the ex eventually."

"But you guys didn't. Because we were talking about Angel's sense of style and how he's always all depressed and doesn't ever go out and have fun."

"And we realised that we were much more fun. Because of the tequila. And then Buffy reminded me of that time in that locker room in high school because she's always been a big lesbo. Well no, not really. That would be her best friend, Willow. But yeah, we pretty much hated each other in high school and you know how high school is, you end up making out with the chick you hate in the locker room…"

"…And then she has really great lipgloss on and it's pretty cool really."

"So Buffy and I decide that we so don't need Angel. We have each other and I have kickass lipgloss that she wants and so we have some more tequila and make out some more."

"There was like an entire bar of old dudes checking us out. It would have been creepy if we hadn't been wasted. I think it was partially because Cordelia still had her top off…"

"Ooh and then Angel came in! Remember?"

"Yes and I made a joke about him being older than all of the other old dudes put together. It was really funny at the time."

"He told me to put my clothes on!"

"I know. So overdramatic. But that's why we love him."

"So I said 'Hi Angel!'"

"And I said 'I'm so over you' and I told him that you were way prettier than him."

"Aww. But yeah. True."

"And then Angel told us we were going home and it was actually kind of hot in a creepy commanding way. Cordy decided to leave her top at the bar and so Angel gave her his jacket."

"And then you complained about unfair treatment and we made him give you his shirt."

"And then he was the one who was stripping, not Cordy."

"Yeah, who's the slut now?" Cordy demands. "Huh, bitch?"

"Don't answer that, bitch – and by bitch I mean you Angel - we're in mid flow of the story!"

"My version is not like your version." Angel protests.

"That's 'cause you're not as pretty as us." Buffy tells him.

"We're so mean to him" Cordy says suddenly.

"Aw but we love him really! Just like he likes it when we call him bitch."

"I don't like it"

"Ssh. We love you, but ssh or we'll just get meaner."

"Yep. So we're all walking home, and Buffy can't drive back to Sunnydale because she's wasted, and also I needed to talk about us being hot and stripping for the old dudes more often with her, and Angel was being really nice to us…"

"Especially for someone who just saw his ex and whatever comes before ex before relationship making out in front of the old dudes. Later of course we realised it was because he too was into the hot lesbian action. But at the time we just thought it was nice."

"And we realised we didn't have all that much to bitch about…"

"Plus he was shirtless at the time."

"Uh huh"

"So, we go back to the hotel and…"

"And that's the end."

"You guys had sex right? Right? You fooled around? You did threesome stuff? That's not the end, where are the details? Angel, man, help me out here."

"He has honour and stuff." Buffy tells the demon.

"I do. What happened after is a little too NC 17 for this graveyard."

Cordelia nudged Buffy.

"Don't you just want to die when he makes these references?"

"I know! He thinks he's so smart! It's too cute."

Angel narrowed his eyes.

"And that's how I got the hot chicks."

"Angel, I think you're too old to be saying 'hot chicks'".

"Oh my God Cor, Angel is totally old enough to be our great great whatever!"

"Oh my God, you're totally a Valley girl!" The demon snarks.

"She's blonde, what can you do? Don't interrupt me Buffy. It's true, you're acting like the dumb one. That's Angel's place. We did know this though, it adds kick – or y'know necrophilia – to the relationship."

"True. So that's the end. We um, came to a mutual understanding, and it meant Cordelia didn't have to go through the messy relationship and breakup because we all have a non-messy relationship. It's almost happy. Plus I'm not Depressed Girl anymore. Because I was for a while. It was a whole thing where I died and came back. Not by choice, may I add. But I'm glad now, that I'm back. This thing is fun. Happy, shiny, sparkly, all of those words. How abnormal is that?"

"Oh God, that's true. We go out to ice cream parlours on the way to the graveyard. I think this is verging on normal for normal people, but of course abnormal for people like us. It's nice though. Wow. I've never really had a relationship that's nice before. As for Angel's soul, Buffy's lesbo friend did a spell and wham, he's able to have sex."

"Which seems like a copout considering all the time we've spent angsting over the soul." Buffy adds.

"That was some story. Seriously, ladies, you need to make a movie of that story. I'm thinking a slow-mo montage for the bar dancing and making out. And if you rate the movie NC then you can show the bit that Angel wouldn't tell me…"

"Oh yeah, we'll totally be doing that." Buffy says sarcastically.

"You, missy, need to come hang out with me in the Valley. I'll get you back to your roots."

"Aren't we supposed to be staking you though?"

"Aw that seems mean now."

"It does. Poor little demon."

"We're letting the demon go? He might go and make a porn movie out of this." Angel points out.

"But he is kind of cute."

"I hope you don't mean kind of cute in the way you said I was kind of cute on the night with the stripping." Angel grumbles, outraged.

"When we need to replace Angel? We'll totally call you." Buffy tells the demon.

"Scurry along now," Cordelia says, nodding.

"We won't really replace you," Buffy says reassuringly to Angel as the demon scurries along as instructed.

"We won't!"

"And you are as pretty as us."

"Totally."

"I think we should hug Angel."

"Okay, let's hug Angel."

And the two hot chicks hugged the vampire.

The End.


End file.
